With the arrival of September, school begins---and for many children, especially adolescents, pressure to achieve also accelerates. In many families, the new school year focuses on teens building a perfect college application, with top grades and test scores, as well as stellar extracurricular activities. As parents struggle with how best to motivate their children to succeed, they would do well to read the article in the September 1, 2018 Wall Street Journal by Jennifer Wallace, entitled The Perils of the Child Perfectionist.
 
To elicit their child’s best effort, many parents set a high bar for achievement. Some, however, set a standard of near-perfection, pushing their children to become perfectionists. As Wallace points out, “Unlike hardworking people who enjoy striving for lofty goals and cope well with setbacks, perfectionists aim for high standards in order to demonstrate their worth to others, and then are brutally critical of themselves when they fall short.” They’re always chasing a carrot which they can never catch because there’s always something better out there. And they become acutely aware of how they’re doing relative to their peers.
 
As Wallace also points out, perfectionism can lead to serious mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders and even suicidal thoughts. And, according to a major research study, perfectionism has risen quite significantly over the past few decades, by as much as 30 percent.. “Researchers point to several contributing factors, including more unrealistic expectations and more anxious and controlling parents than generations before.” I can’t help but wonder if this increasing perfectionism isn’t a major factor in the equally significant rise in teen depression, anxiety and suicide.
 
So how do we parents avoid making perfectionists of our children? The key is unconditional love for your child, something I stressed repeatedly in my book, Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting. We can help and encourage our kids to succeed, but we must always avoid the message that we won’t love them if they fall short. And we need to avoid the pitfall of confusing our child’s success with our own.
 
When I was growing up, my parents set very high standards and made it clear that my success reflected—whether well or poorly—on them. I felt their love was conditioned on my performance and I became, naturally, a perfectionist. The tendency to set standards for myself too high and then fault myself for not achieving them is something I fought for decades. I like to think I have healthier attitudes and expectations at this point in my life, but I have to confess that my perfectionist tendencies still occasionally crop up.
 
So how do we encourage a child’s best performance without driving them to perfectionism? As one researcher says in the Wall Street Journal article, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting kids to strive to be the best that they can be, but parents need to be careful how they communicate that desire: what they praise, how they praise” and we need to make clear that we have unconditional love and affection for our children, no matter what their level of achievement. We need to be careful of the messages we send with things like “I want to see straight A’s on your report card” or by withholding praise, or event comment, for a less-than-perfect performance.
 
There are healthy ways to encourage high performance without creating problems. As one psychologist quoted in the article says, “When it comes to pushing a child, a parent’s energy should be spent on encouraging good study habits, not focusing on shiny outcomes.” Set standards for how the homework gets done—tackling it early in the afternoon when the child is freshest with no electronics or distractions—rather than for the homework grade itself. Parents can also put grades in context: a bad grade doesn’t predict the child’s future performance or alter their parents’ love for them.
 
So as school begins, don’t be afraid to encourage your children to set high standards for themselves. Support them in developing good study habits and teach them to be proud of their achievements. But always let them know that your love is unconditional, through both words and actions. As the article concludes, “We teach a child to see themselves not as a grade or a performance but as a whole and complex person when we as parents embrace the whole and complex person they are today.”

I recently had a visit from one of my best friends. We have kept in touch since 8th grade.  That was a long time ago. People are amazed at how well we nurtured our friendship. When Cory was really ill Michael helped me get enough money together to fly down and spend a few days recharging my batteries with him in Las Vegas. He did that many times. Michael also met the kids and I in San Diego and LA a few times when we were down visiting Disneyland and relatives. He took us to the La Brea Tar Pits. Great memories. We wrote to each other. The kids I baked Christmas cookies every year and mailed them to wherever Michael was living at the time. He was so supportive throughout Cory’s illness. And in happier times, I asked Michael to be my best man in my wedding 30 years ago. What a great friend he still is to this day.

Michael was looking at the photographs I have on my hallway wall. His voice caught when he noticed my son’s photo right there with the rest of my family. He asked if I thought about him every day. I replied, “yes, every single day. I miss him. Sometimes it feels like he was just here and other days it feels like a lifetime ago.” We both teared up. That’s the way it is with grief though. When someone you love dies there is a void in your heart forever. You get used to the pain and you kind of get used to not seeing him or her after a while. But you miss the ability to interact with a physical being and I personally miss speaking with my son, my mom, my brother, and all those who have already crossed over the rainbow bridge. I am sure that is true for everyone. Although I have to admit, I still talk to them.

In my grief workshops I always encourage folks to write letters to the person they are grieving on that day. It really does help to get your thoughts and feelings down on paper. I also encourage people to journal about their grief journey. And if they are inclined to write a poem about the qualities of the deceased loved one. It can be a small yet powerful tribute to him or her too. The easiest is a “list” poem. For example, mine says things such as, “Cory was funny. Cory was mischievous. Cory was a great big brother. Cory loved to play soccer. Cory loved dressing up for Halloween. Cory was brilliant. Cory was courageous. Cory loved me. Cory was my son.” Try it – writing down the words that describe your feelings about and to your loved one/s is powerful and it just might help you. I hope it does.

Nurture your friendships. Always let those you love know how special they are to you. Use your words. You can always use a good friend in happy times and sad ones too.

If you’ve been reading my blogs on parenting, you’ve heard me bemoan the heavy use of cellphones and other screens by young children and teens and how damaging it can be to social and intellectual development.  Now comes Erika Christakis in the July/August Atlantic Monthly who says that when it comes to children’s development, we should worry less about their screen time and more about our own. 
 
In her article, The Dangers of Distracted Parenting she cites research that, despite the increase of women in the workforce, today’s mothers (and fathers) spend astoundingly more time with their children than did parents of the 1960s. But our engagement is increasingly low quality:  while parents are physically present in their children’s lives, they are far less emotionally attuned, primarily due to screen distractions.
 
Now this isn’t to discount the direct risk that screens pose to children and today’s preschoolers spend, on average, four hours a day facing a screen. There’s no question that time spent with a screen is time not spent exploring the world or interacting with others. But, as Christakos points out, “for all the talk about children’s screen time, surprisingly little attention is paid to screen use by parents themselves, who now suffer from ‘continuous partial attention’” which harms not just us, but our children as well.
 
We’ve long known that human learning is based on emotional cueing, the prime example of which is responsive communication.  Child development is relational---babies can be taught things by human interaction, even with other babies, that they cannot learn from a screen.  According to one expert, “Language achievement is the single best predictor of academic success and the key to strong language skills are those back-and-forth fluent conversations between young children and adults.”  A problem arises when the developmentally essential back-and-forth emotional cueing between adult and child is constantly interrupted by a text or a quick check of e-mail.
 
Christakos agrees that it’s not easy to balance adults’ and children’s needs---your child will never be your unwavering center of attention.  Parents have long left children in the playpen or the backyard to amuse themselves at times.  Occasional parental inattention may even build resilience.  Chronic distraction, however, is a totally different story. A tuned-out parent is much quicker to misread emotional cues from the child, or to become irritated or angry when the child just wants attention.  Short, intentional disengagement---like saying you need a half hour to complete a task---isn’t going to harm your child.  But chronic inattention sends a clear message to your child that your smartphone messages, texts and Instagram are more important to you than the child.  And this is true for your teens as well as younger children.  Just ask a few teenagers.
 
Children are hardwired to get what they need from adults and will do a lot to get a distracted parent’s attention.  If we don’t change our behavior, they will attempt to do it for us and we can expect more tantrums from little ones and acting out by older children.  But eventually children will give up.  As Christakos says, in child development it takes two to tango and well-known studies from Romanian orphanages have shown us how babies’ brains fail to develop when they lack a willing dance partner.
 
As Christakos concludes, we find it far easier to focus on our children’s screen time than to turn off our own devices, but we really need to start paying attention.  “Put your kid in a playpen, already.  Ditch the soccer-game appearance if you feel like it.  Your kid will be fine.  But when you are with your child, put down your damned cell phone.”  I say ‘Hear, hear!”

Recently Patty and I met up with our financial advisor to walk through our long-term finances.  A key component of that discussion was about our net worth, defined as assets minus liabilities.  While we had a very fruitful discussion that resulted in some great take-aways, it got me to thinking about how easy it is to focus on a single aspect of one's life and derive how good (or bad) one might be doing based on that aspect.  Don't get me wrong; one's net worth is certainly an important measure that needs to be tended to.  My point is that there is more to life than net worth when looking at your overall contentment.   This hit home for me with the suicides of famous figures Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and others.  These are people who appeared to have it all but to them something was so missing that it caused them to commit a horribly sad act.  Lives ended too early; my prayers go to their loved ones.

In thinking about contentment, I looked hard at what, to me, are the most important driving factors behind contentment.  Keep in mind my analysis is not from a point of scientific expertise; rather it is from a point of practicality as to what I think are the most important drivers.  I've honed my list to 8:

1. Professional Contentment - How content you are in your current and future career potential
2. Financial Contentment - How content you are in your current and future financial status
3. Family Contentment - How content you are in your family relationships
4. Health Contentment - How content you are in your physical and mental health
5. Leisure Contentment - How content you are with quality time spent on leisurely activities
6. Legacy Contentment - How content you are with the legacy you are leaving behind should you die today
7. Relational Contentment - How content you are with relationships built and maintained with friends and loved ones
8. Spiritual Contentment - How content you are with your spiritual life.

Now I completely realize that some of these above drivers are extremely important to some or not at all important.  My point is not to second guess your importance level; what I do believe necessary is to decide how important each of the above drivers are to you.  If something is not at all important to you then that is certainly your choice.  Just be mindful of avoiding something that could adversely impact you later.  As example, if you say financial contentment is not at all important and you decide not to financially plan for the future then you might be creating a problem for yourself later in life.

So what now?  I put together a simple excel spreadsheet which allows you to assess, for each of the contentment drivers, how important it is to you, what makes you content, and how you could be more content.  I think it's important to articulate both what makes you content and how you could be more content for a couple of reasons.  First, it allows you to celebrate things you are already happy with.  Second, it enables you to improve on some things which you may already be doing well.

Those of you who’ve read my book Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting know that my husband and I fostered our kids’ autonomy and independence in a number of ways, including involving them in family vacation discussions, assisting them—as age-appropriate--to work out their own solutions to various problems and disputes, giving them—again age-appropriate—freedom to ride bikes in the neighborhood, run lemonade stands a block from home, advocate for themselves with teachers, and make some of their own decisions. Sometimes the clothes didn’t match, or they waited to the last minute to file college applications, but we thought it was important for them to learn independence and autonomy as they grew. Sometimes their choices led to bad decisions, but they were able to learn from the consequences when the stakes were relatively small. We worked very hard to keep our children safe and teach them to be aware of their own safety, but we tried not to over-manage their lives.
 
Now comes mounting scientific evidence that overzealous parenting and protection can do real harm. Psychologists and educators see it as one factor fueling a surge in the number of children and young adults being diagnosed with anxiety disorders. I recommend The Overprotected American Child by Andrea Petersen in the June 1, 2018 Wall Street Journal. She reports that a survey of 31,000 college students found that the number diagnosed with or treated for anxiety problems more than doubled between 2008 and 2017. And another study shows that the parenting behavior that had the strongest impact of any kind was granting autonomy, defined as parental encouragement of children’s opinions and solutions to problems. More autonomy led to less anxiety. And for children who are predisposed to be anxious, overprotecting reinforces their impression of the world as a dangerous place and their powerlessness.
 
Lack of autonomy and independence can also stymie development of self-confidence and lead children to defer to their parents for decision-making even as adults. Of course, children mature and develop skills at different rates and that needs to be factored in when deciding how much independence and freedom they should be allowed. But a four-year-old is certainly old enough to choose clothes, pick bedtime stories, and choose from a restaurant menu. And by ten or eleven, most kids have learned to safely cross the street and can be trusted to walk to school or to a nearby friend’s house without adult supervision.
 
As parents, we need to encourage independence in small, low-stakes situations in order to help our children develop the skills, including decision-making, that they will need as adults. Encourage them to participate in discussions about their path toward independence and what they feel ready for. As one expert points out, they automatically start to make better decisions because they are thinking, rather than just acting.
 
In granting new freedoms, both parents obviously must be on the same page, but it’s also helpful if a group of parents in the neighborhood or among the kids’ circle of friends get on the same page as well. That way there’s less likely to be finger-pointing at the “lax parent” or resentment between kids about what they have and are allowed to do.
 
If we teach our children to be on their own in age-appropriate ways, we teach them that the world isn’t something to be anxious about, but a place they are fully capable of navigating. The ultimate goal of parenting is to have our children be totally autonomous before they leave for college or the workplace. Of course, the results of their decisions won’t always be what we wish but they will learn from the experience and choose more wisely in the future. With the independence to make your own decisions comes the right to make a wrong decision. As difficult as it can be for us parents to allow our children that freedom, even in the early stages, it’s the only way they can become fully functioning, successful adults. And isn’t that what we all want for our children?

Is there something wrong if we don’t feel sad when someone dies? What if we do not share the same religious or spiritual beliefs? What if the person who died isn’t your favorite, to begin with? There are many factors involved. We could probably all do with a lot less judgment in our lives, right?

I met a teenaged boy (let’s call him Jake) whose stepfather died unexpectedly. His mother was devastated as was his half-sister because mom had lost her husband and the sister grieved her father. When we met, Jake was more upset with the way he was being judged and treated. Apparently, everyone around his family at the time kept trying to fix him. The well-meaning outsiders determined that since he wasn’t crying or openly upset by his stepfather’s death there was something wrong with him.  As a result, these folks insisted that his mother do something about him.
Jake was forced to attend a grief workshop I was facilitating. He came in with a surly attitude. He didn’t want to participate in any of the crafts or writing projects the others were gladly working on. I pulled him aside and asked what was on his mind. He spilled. I listened. I agreed with him. He spoke honestly about how his stepfather treated him as if he were a slave, or worse as if he was in the way. Jake had never felt close to this man. It made sense to me why he wasn’t crying. He was not going to miss the guy one bit. Jake felt sorry and sad for his mother and especially for his little sister. We talked about how he could support his mom and sister through their grief.  I encouraged him to sit his mother down and be honest about how he felt about her husband. He realized that was the only way he would get people off his back. He was reluctant to do it for a while but felt trapped that she would be stressing out about him not behaving properly. I promised to speak with her.
When Jake’s mom came to pick him up, she was anxious to find out how Jake had done. First I explained that kids but especially teens do not grieve right away. On average teens’ grief rears its head around 18 months after the death. That is always puzzling to parents and teachers because they don’t understand that the anger and acting out are tied to the death. Secondly, I asked for her assessment of her son’s relationship with her husband. Poor thing hadn’t a clue that her son really never felt connected to her husband. I told her that Jake wanted to speak with her when the time was good for her, but that she needed to back him up and not let others’ judgment push her into expecting more than Jake had to give. I suggested that she needed to concentrate on herself and her daughter, that Jake was fine. She thanked me.

Several months afterward, I got a note in the mail from a grateful teenaged boy. I think of Jake often. I know he is fine. He just needed to be heard and allowed to be honest without judgment.
If you know someone who isn’t acting the way you think they should after a death or other loss, please be supportive without judgment. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s grief journey is unique. Not everyone shares your religious beliefs.

My husband and I just finished reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and found it extremely thought-provoking. It should be a “must read” for anyone over 50 and anyone with parents who are aging. We all want the best possible quality of life for our parents and ourselves in the declining years, but how do we go about assuring it?  Gawande provides a lot of context, raises a lot of questions, and provides some answers.
 
According to the book’s description, “Modern medicine has transformed the dangers of birth, injury and disease from harrowing to manageable.” But when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, medicine often does the opposite of what it should be doing. Calling on both research and compelling, moving stories of his own patients, Gawande reveals the suffering caused by the lack of attention to what people really want as they age. To find that out, doctors and we all need to ask questions and have some tough discussions, but by-and-large we haven’t been doing that. We fail to realize the choices we’re making, or that are being made for us, because the doctors are not really talking to us, and we’re not asking the right questions. If we want not only a good death but a good life, both sides need to start talking honestly about realities and choices.

He looks in-depth at the cultural evolution in assistance and care for the aging and details in fascinating terms the whole evolution of “retirement living” and assisted care. And we discover that while some facilities have beautiful lobbies and fancy brochures, they frequently play on the guilt of children in marketing and many are little more than glorified nursing homes. After reading Being Mortal, I have a lot more questions I would ask of a facility before choosing it for myself or a loved one.
 
Personal autonomy is frequently the primary desire for aging folks and it’s frequently the first thing diminished in an institution for the aging. When it’s lost, physical decline can rapidly set in. Yet when institutional decisions are made or seemingly some simple changes implemented to improve autonomy and surroundings, patients generally improve both physically and emotionally, leading to less depression and less medication, leading to much better quality of life. A riveting, humane and very honest book, Being Mortal shows how our ultimate goal should be a good life to the very end.
 
The book is not just for those of us who are aging or have aging parents--it should really be mandatory reading for ALL of us. If enough people start asking the right questions, perhaps we can change the national conversation about aging and dying and vastly improve the quality of life for millions of aging Americans.

Mary Waldmann's expertise as a speech writer and media expert spans over 30 years including among other roles Public Affairs Director for the US Department of Commerce during the Reagan Administration.  She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Winning with Today's Media , Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, and Six-Word Lessons for Compelling Speeches.

This isn’t the first post I have written about grief when a pet dies. Feather, fin, and fur babies are just as much family members as humans. When our pets die the grief is just as painful as the loss of any loved one. Some folks do not understand the intensity of loss and often act judgy. No one needs to deal with that while dealing with heartache. When someone doesn’t understand how you are feeling that leads me to believe those folks never shared their lives with a beloved dog, cat or other pet.  When grieving the death of a pet it can be a solitary journey if you don’t get support from your friends and family.

My puppy girl Maile died over a year ago and then within two months our little boy Koa followed her over the rainbow bridge. The grief has been overwhelming at times. We have a new little girl who has given us a diversion. She is the opposite personality of our angel fur babies. Neither of us remembered how much work puppies can be. Sometimes I think maybe we should have thought it through a little longer. She is cute and funny but not too cuddly yet. One good sign, I saw a Goldendoodle at Petco and I didn’t cry so maybe Cocopuff has helped.

Sorry for rambling but my manager’s 14-year-old best friend Zoey died recently. Seeing and feeling his grief brought my grief over Maile and Koa back to the surface. Plus Zoey was one of my favorite four-legged friends. That is how grief works. Grief accumulates and each time you are hit with it, waves of pain can resurface. Totally normal but sucky just the same.

Cherish your fur babies. When they die, because unfortunately, their lives are never long enough. You need to deal with the grief the same way you should deal with the loss of your human loved ones. Face it, feel it and move through it. If you have a hard time, get professional help.

I read an interesting article in the new Atlantic Monthly magazine today, parts of which I’d like to share with you.  Those of you who’ve read my Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting know that I talk about parenting in a way that teaches empathy, conscience and responsibility for actions.  In this article, How to Guilt Trip Your Kids (They’ll Thank You Later), author Libby Copeland cites numerous studies about guilt and conscience in young children.  Children aren’t born knowing how to say “I’m sorry”.  Conscience and guilt feelings don’t begin to develop until age 3 or later and you need to encourage it.
             
As Copeland says, “In the popular imagination, of course, guilt still gets a bad rap…guilt is deeply uncomfortable… Who wants to inflict that discomfort on a child?”  Yet guilt can have a positive purpose.  Guilt, by prompting us to more deeply think about our own goodness, encourages humans to atone for mistakes and fix relationships.  It’s a glue that holds a co-operative species like humans together—kind of a social glue.
 
As one researcher points out, “It’s incredibly important to nurture empathy, but I think it’s equally important to promote guilt.”  If you find the idea of guilting your child distasteful, keep in mind that ‘good guilt’ is very different from telling your child that disobedience proves her unworthy or that you’re ashamed of her (please, never say that!).  This isn’t your grandmother’s guilt trip.
 
The point isn’t to make your child feel bad about herself.  The point is to encourage conscience, goodness, empathy, resilience and a willingness to fix mistakes.  You may already be guilting your child in a healthy way.  “Look, your friend is crying because you took his toy.”  Ideally, your child feels guilty, is moved to empathy, and you can help him figure out how to atone for his behavior.
 
Studies also show that using “empathy-based guilt” on your teenagers makes them tend to see fairness and honesty as part of who they are. 
 
Guilting shouldn’t result in a sermon, but rather in a “what can you do about it” discussion.  And the discussion will go better if tempers have cooled down.
 
And, as Copeland points out, “Guilt has the potential to be especially helpful now, in a world that is growing more divided…’good’ guilt may have the ability to bring us together.  It’s a radical proposition” but definitely something we need to consider.  So don’t hesitate to guilt your kids in a positive way—It’s good for them and for our world.