Recently Patty and I met up with our financial advisor to walk through our long-term finances.  A key component of that discussion was about our net worth, defined as assets minus liabilities.  While we had a very fruitful discussion that resulted in some great take-aways, it got me to thinking about how easy it is to focus on a single aspect of one's life and derive how good (or bad) one might be doing based on that aspect.  Don't get me wrong; one's net worth is certainly an important measure that needs to be tended to.  My point is that there is more to life than net worth when looking at your overall contentment.   This hit home for me with the suicides of famous figures Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and others.  These are people who appeared to have it all but to them something was so missing that it caused them to commit a horribly sad act.  Lives ended too early; my prayers go to their loved ones.

In thinking about contentment, I looked hard at what, to me, are the most important driving factors behind contentment.  Keep in mind my analysis is not from a point of scientific expertise; rather it is from a point of practicality as to what I think are the most important drivers.  I've honed my list to 8:

1. Professional Contentment - How content you are in your current and future career potential
2. Financial Contentment - How content you are in your current and future financial status
3. Family Contentment - How content you are in your family relationships
4. Health Contentment - How content you are in your physical and mental health
5. Leisure Contentment - How content you are with quality time spent on leisurely activities
6. Legacy Contentment - How content you are with the legacy you are leaving behind should you die today
7. Relational Contentment - How content you are with relationships built and maintained with friends and loved ones
8. Spiritual Contentment - How content you are with your spiritual life.

Now I completely realize that some of these above drivers are extremely important to some or not at all important.  My point is not to second guess your importance level; what I do believe necessary is to decide how important each of the above drivers are to you.  If something is not at all important to you then that is certainly your choice.  Just be mindful of avoiding something that could adversely impact you later.  As example, if you say financial contentment is not at all important and you decide not to financially plan for the future then you might be creating a problem for yourself later in life.

So what now?  I put together a simple excel spreadsheet which allows you to assess, for each of the contentment drivers, how important it is to you, what makes you content, and how you could be more content.  I think it's important to articulate both what makes you content and how you could be more content for a couple of reasons.  First, it allows you to celebrate things you are already happy with.  Second, it enables you to improve on some things which you may already be doing well. 

If you find this helpful, you can download the excel template to help you self-assess yourself based on the 8 drivers.  Download it here. 

As always, would love to hear what you think.  let me know your thoughts in below comments.

Those of you who’ve read my book Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting know that my husband and I fostered our kids’ autonomy and independence in a number of ways, including involving them in family vacation discussions, assisting them—as age-appropriate--to work out their own solutions to various problems and disputes, giving them—again age-appropriate—freedom to ride bikes in the neighborhood, run lemonade stands a block from home, advocate for themselves with teachers, and make some of their own decisions. Sometimes the clothes didn’t match, or they waited to the last minute to file college applications, but we thought it was important for them to learn independence and autonomy as they grew. Sometimes their choices led to bad decisions, but they were able to learn from the consequences when the stakes were relatively small. We worked very hard to keep our children safe and teach them to be aware of their own safety, but we tried not to over-manage their lives.
 
Now comes mounting scientific evidence that overzealous parenting and protection can do real harm. Psychologists and educators see it as one factor fueling a surge in the number of children and young adults being diagnosed with anxiety disorders. I recommend The Overprotected American Child by Andrea Petersen in the June 1, 2018 Wall Street Journal. She reports that a survey of 31,000 college students found that the number diagnosed with or treated for anxiety problems more than doubled between 2008 and 2017. And another study shows that the parenting behavior that had the strongest impact of any kind was granting autonomy, defined as parental encouragement of children’s opinions and solutions to problems. More autonomy led to less anxiety. And for children who are predisposed to be anxious, overprotecting reinforces their impression of the world as a dangerous place and their powerlessness.
 
Lack of autonomy and independence can also stymie development of self-confidence and lead children to defer to their parents for decision-making even as adults. Of course, children mature and develop skills at different rates and that needs to be factored in when deciding how much independence and freedom they should be allowed. But a four-year-old is certainly old enough to choose clothes, pick bedtime stories, and choose from a restaurant menu. And by ten or eleven, most kids have learned to safely cross the street and can be trusted to walk to school or to a nearby friend’s house without adult supervision.
 
As parents, we need to encourage independence in small, low-stakes situations in order to help our children develop the skills, including decision-making, that they will need as adults. Encourage them to participate in discussions about their path toward independence and what they feel ready for. As one expert points out, they automatically start to make better decisions because they are thinking, rather than just acting.
 
In granting new freedoms, both parents obviously must be on the same page, but it’s also helpful if a group of parents in the neighborhood or among the kids’ circle of friends get on the same page as well. That way there’s less likely to be finger-pointing at the “lax parent” or resentment between kids about what they have and are allowed to do.
 
If we teach our children to be on their own in age-appropriate ways, we teach them that the world isn’t something to be anxious about, but a place they are fully capable of navigating. The ultimate goal of parenting is to have our children be totally autonomous before they leave for college or the workplace. Of course, the results of their decisions won’t always be what we wish but they will learn from the experience and choose more wisely in the future. With the independence to make your own decisions comes the right to make a wrong decision. As difficult as it can be for us parents to allow our children that freedom, even in the early stages, it’s the only way they can become fully functioning, successful adults. And isn’t that what we all want for our children?

Is there something wrong if we don’t feel sad when someone dies? What if we do not share the same religious or spiritual beliefs? What if the person who died isn’t your favorite, to begin with? There are many factors involved. We could probably all do with a lot less judgment in our lives, right?

I met a teenaged boy (let’s call him Jake) whose stepfather died unexpectedly. His mother was devastated as was his half-sister because mom had lost her husband and the sister grieved her father. When we met, Jake was more upset with the way he was being judged and treated. Apparently, everyone around his family at the time kept trying to fix him. The well-meaning outsiders determined that since he wasn’t crying or openly upset by his stepfather’s death there was something wrong with him.  As a result, these folks insisted that his mother do something about him.
Jake was forced to attend a grief workshop I was facilitating. He came in with a surly attitude. He didn’t want to participate in any of the crafts or writing projects the others were gladly working on. I pulled him aside and asked what was on his mind. He spilled. I listened. I agreed with him. He spoke honestly about how his stepfather treated him as if he were a slave, or worse as if he was in the way. Jake had never felt close to this man. It made sense to me why he wasn’t crying. He was not going to miss the guy one bit. Jake felt sorry and sad for his mother and especially for his little sister. We talked about how he could support his mom and sister through their grief.  I encouraged him to sit his mother down and be honest about how he felt about her husband. He realized that was the only way he would get people off his back. He was reluctant to do it for a while but felt trapped that she would be stressing out about him not behaving properly. I promised to speak with her.
When Jake’s mom came to pick him up, she was anxious to find out how Jake had done. First I explained that kids but especially teens do not grieve right away. On average teens’ grief rears its head around 18 months after the death. That is always puzzling to parents and teachers because they don’t understand that the anger and acting out are tied to the death. Secondly, I asked for her assessment of her son’s relationship with her husband. Poor thing hadn’t a clue that her son really never felt connected to her husband. I told her that Jake wanted to speak with her when the time was good for her, but that she needed to back him up and not let others’ judgment push her into expecting more than Jake had to give. I suggested that she needed to concentrate on herself and her daughter, that Jake was fine. She thanked me.

Several months afterward, I got a note in the mail from a grateful teenaged boy. I think of Jake often. I know he is fine. He just needed to be heard and allowed to be honest without judgment.
If you know someone who isn’t acting the way you think they should after a death or other loss, please be supportive without judgment. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s grief journey is unique. Not everyone shares your religious beliefs.

My husband and I just finished reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and found it extremely thought-provoking. It should be a “must read” for anyone over 50 and anyone with parents who are aging. We all want the best possible quality of life for our parents and ourselves in the declining years, but how do we go about assuring it?  Gawande provides a lot of context, raises a lot of questions, and provides some answers.
 
According to the book’s description, “Modern medicine has transformed the dangers of birth, injury and disease from harrowing to manageable.” But when it comes to the inescapable realities of aging and death, medicine often does the opposite of what it should be doing. Calling on both research and compelling, moving stories of his own patients, Gawande reveals the suffering caused by the lack of attention to what people really want as they age. To find that out, doctors and we all need to ask questions and have some tough discussions, but by-and-large we haven’t been doing that. We fail to realize the choices we’re making, or that are being made for us, because the doctors are not really talking to us, and we’re not asking the right questions. If we want not only a good death but a good life, both sides need to start talking honestly about realities and choices.

He looks in-depth at the cultural evolution in assistance and care for the aging and details in fascinating terms the whole evolution of “retirement living” and assisted care. And we discover that while some facilities have beautiful lobbies and fancy brochures, they frequently play on the guilt of children in marketing and many are little more than glorified nursing homes. After reading Being Mortal, I have a lot more questions I would ask of a facility before choosing it for myself or a loved one.
 
Personal autonomy is frequently the primary desire for aging folks and it’s frequently the first thing diminished in an institution for the aging. When it’s lost, physical decline can rapidly set in. Yet when institutional decisions are made or seemingly some simple changes implemented to improve autonomy and surroundings, patients generally improve both physically and emotionally, leading to less depression and less medication, leading to much better quality of life. A riveting, humane and very honest book, Being Mortal shows how our ultimate goal should be a good life to the very end.
 
The book is not just for those of us who are aging or have aging parents--it should really be mandatory reading for ALL of us. If enough people start asking the right questions, perhaps we can change the national conversation about aging and dying and vastly improve the quality of life for millions of aging Americans.

Mary Waldmann's expertise as a speech writer and media expert spans over 30 years including among other roles Public Affairs Director for the US Department of Commerce during the Reagan Administration.  She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Winning with Today's Media , Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, and Six-Word Lessons for Compelling Speeches.

This isn’t the first post I have written about grief when a pet dies. Feather, fin, and fur babies are just as much family members as humans. When our pets die the grief is just as painful as the loss of any loved one. Some folks do not understand the intensity of loss and often act judgy. No one needs to deal with that while dealing with heartache. When someone doesn’t understand how you are feeling that leads me to believe those folks never shared their lives with a beloved dog, cat or other pet.  When grieving the death of a pet it can be a solitary journey if you don’t get support from your friends and family.

My puppy girl Maile died over a year ago and then within two months our little boy Koa followed her over the rainbow bridge. The grief has been overwhelming at times. We have a new little girl who has given us a diversion. She is the opposite personality of our angel fur babies. Neither of us remembered how much work puppies can be. Sometimes I think maybe we should have thought it through a little longer. She is cute and funny but not too cuddly yet. One good sign, I saw a Goldendoodle at Petco and I didn’t cry so maybe Cocopuff has helped.

Sorry for rambling but my manager’s 14-year-old best friend Zoey died recently. Seeing and feeling his grief brought my grief over Maile and Koa back to the surface. Plus Zoey was one of my favorite four-legged friends. That is how grief works. Grief accumulates and each time you are hit with it, waves of pain can resurface. Totally normal but sucky just the same.

Cherish your fur babies. When they die, because unfortunately, their lives are never long enough. You need to deal with the grief the same way you should deal with the loss of your human loved ones. Face it, feel it and move through it. If you have a hard time, get professional help.

I read an interesting article in the new Atlantic Monthly magazine today, parts of which I’d like to share with you.  Those of you who’ve read my Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting know that I talk about parenting in a way that teaches empathy, conscience and responsibility for actions.  In this article, How to Guilt Trip Your Kids (They’ll Thank You Later), author Libby Copeland cites numerous studies about guilt and conscience in young children.  Children aren’t born knowing how to say “I’m sorry”.  Conscience and guilt feelings don’t begin to develop until age 3 or later and you need to encourage it.
             
As Copeland says, “In the popular imagination, of course, guilt still gets a bad rap…guilt is deeply uncomfortable… Who wants to inflict that discomfort on a child?”  Yet guilt can have a positive purpose.  Guilt, by prompting us to more deeply think about our own goodness, encourages humans to atone for mistakes and fix relationships.  It’s a glue that holds a co-operative species like humans together—kind of a social glue.
 
As one researcher points out, “It’s incredibly important to nurture empathy, but I think it’s equally important to promote guilt.”  If you find the idea of guilting your child distasteful, keep in mind that ‘good guilt’ is very different from telling your child that disobedience proves her unworthy or that you’re ashamed of her (please, never say that!).  This isn’t your grandmother’s guilt trip.
 
The point isn’t to make your child feel bad about herself.  The point is to encourage conscience, goodness, empathy, resilience and a willingness to fix mistakes.  You may already be guilting your child in a healthy way.  “Look, your friend is crying because you took his toy.”  Ideally, your child feels guilty, is moved to empathy, and you can help him figure out how to atone for his behavior.
 
Studies also show that using “empathy-based guilt” on your teenagers makes them tend to see fairness and honesty as part of who they are. 
 
Guilting shouldn’t result in a sermon, but rather in a “what can you do about it” discussion.  And the discussion will go better if tempers have cooled down.
 
And, as Copeland points out, “Guilt has the potential to be especially helpful now, in a world that is growing more divided…’good’ guilt may have the ability to bring us together.  It’s a radical proposition” but definitely something we need to consider.  So don’t hesitate to guilt your kids in a positive way—It’s good for them and for our world.

You may think you can multitask and listen exquisitely. You can’t. The two are incompatible, and when conflict arises, the lack of attention and listening, coupled with high emotion, can easily derail any attempts at resolution.

We advocate not just listening in conflict situations, and not even just listening well. We advocate Mindful Listening as the most effective skill for conflict resolution. Mindful listening requires being highly attuned to both our own emotions and the emotions of others. When we listen mindfully we observe our own emotional state with curiosity. We keep self-talk and judgment at bay. In communicating with others, we listen with as clear a head as possible. We pay exquisite attention in order to really hear what is going on with the other person-in words, tone, emotions and body language.

Try these steps the next time you are faced with communicating with someone you don’t see eye to eye with:

1. Before engaging with the other person, clear your head with a compassion meditation. This will help you stay calm and be more compassionate toward yourself and the other person.
2. Stay focused on what you are hearing the other person say as well as what you observe.   Paraphrase with empathy, what you hear and describe the emotions you notice.

You will find that when you stay calm and the other person feels heard, you will be taking significant steps toward de-escalating negativity and resolving your conflict.

Marty Rose and I grew up in the same neighborhood. He was in my older brothers’ age range. When I was a kid he would walk by on his way home from high school with an armload of books. He was always funny and cool and a real smart alec. It was sad to find out the other day that he had unexpectedly crossed over the rainbow bridge. As with other reports of death, it made me reflect on the past,  my recollections of Marty and the rest of the Juneau St. neighborhood families. We lived in a mostly Catholic neighborhood so there were kids in just about every house We had so many kids running around that it was easy to field teams for softball, kickball, football, or just about anything. Life was carefree.

I was profoundly sad that at my age more losses are occurring. Then, it hit me in the face that Marty wasn’t the first neighborhood kid to cross over the bridge. Some with one, two, six or 12 kids. One family has already buried at least three. My own brother Bobby died two and a half years ago.  Hearing about Marty made me go right back to when Bobby left his body behind. I am sure others who knew and loved Marty were drawn back to previous losses too. It is only natural after all but it is sad just the same.
Then, this morning I was sorting through books and getting my office organized and I found a slip of well-worn paper given to me by my friend Ann Wilson after her husband Ted died. It is one of the best descriptions of grief I have ever seen. It helped Ann tremendously so I want to share it here.

“GRIEF IS A POWERFUL RIVER in flood. It cannot be argued or reasoned or wrestled down to an insignificant trickle. You must let it take you where it is going. When it pulls you under, all you can do is keep your eyes open for rocks and fallen trees, try not to panic, and stay face-up so you will know where the sky is. You will need that information later. Eventually, its waters calm and you will be on the shore far from where you began, raw and sore, but clean and as close to whole as you will ever be again.” This is on page 219 of ‘The Storm.’

Dear Cindy, Lynette, Barb, Beth, Nora, Sandi, Laurel and all of my other friends and loved ones who became widowed too young and for those mourning the death of a child, sibling, parent, friend, grandparent, auntie or uncle, I hope this helps you as much as it helped Ann.

Just flow with it and grief won’t break you, eventually, the water will recede and calm down and the whole ordeal will make you stronger. Reminds me of he lyrics of a hymn, “I got peace like a river…in my soul.” Hang in there and hopefully, before you know it, you will get to that place of calm and peace.