 Today I happened upon an article about grief attributed to Christopher Walken. It struck a chord with me as he said essentially what I always tell people. You never stop missing the loved one who died; eventually, you get used to the big hole the death leaves in your heart, mind, and soul. Earlier this week, while visiting with my friend Wanda whom I have known since Jr. High, she brought up my first love Michael Poth. We were junior/senior high sweethearts. He was funny, charming, attractive, fun loving, and also very reckless. When I called him out on his daredevil antics and told him how stupid it was to ride a motorcycle on a dark country road with no light and with no helmet, Michael told me that he knew he would die young, so he was going to live it up. I couldn’t handle what I saw as self-destruction. I loved to have fun, too. I just didn’t want to see him die foolishly. We broke up. Several years later, his premonition came true when he broke his neck in a diving accident on a river that left him paralyzed from mid-chest down. Right after, I heard about it from his brother, I went to see him at the hospital. He was happy to see me. I yelled at him for being so careless. He said “carefree.” I said, “careless.” Now, you get a glimpse of our complicated relationship. Anyway, we hugged and cried. Then, he confided in me that he went out of his body and saw himself drowning below. His legs didn’t work after his head hit a boulder under the surface of the river. He consciously decided to inhale water to end his life, but he shot back into his body in time to look up into the light streaming down and saw a young man diving into the water to save him. He held on. Michael was afraid to tell anyone about his out of body experience. He didn’t want people to think he was crazy. It just so happened that I had read articles written by and about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I reassured him he was fine. I visited him at the hospital every day. He survived for several years afterward and spent almost all of that time in one of two hospitals. During that time, he learned to get around in a wheelchair, dress, and sort of take care of himself. all while he tried so hard to keep his spirits up. When the swelling eventually went down, his brain injuries caused seizures. He didn’t survive one of them. He was in a coma for eight months or so before his body finally shut down. While I grieved privately about Michael after he died I did not talk to anyone about our relationship and its ups and downs. I kept my memories to myself. Anyway, my little trip down memory lane with my friend Wanda affected me deeply. I cried on my drive home. It has been many years since he crossed over the rainbow bridge. I haven’t had any visits or dreams for a long while. But just talking about Mike sent me right back to our time together. There is still a big hole in my heart with his name on it. So, you truly never forget. You get used to not being able to see or touch him or her. Good memories are important. But I can also attest to the fact that sad ones are too. Honestly, he will never be forgotten. He was my first love.  Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
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 The other day I had a discussion with someone about our mutual friend who had been an on-air personality and reporter both radio and television for all of his adult life. When he aged out and lost both positions he was devastated. Storm clouds moved in and he became very unhealthy very quickly and seemed to give up. I was so sad to think his loss of identity hit him like a category 5 hurricane. The discussion got me thinking about the myriad of reasons why people grieve, and how some folks might not recognize grief and therefore do not get the help needed to weather their personal storm. I am a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. The founders of the Grief Recovery Methods define grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” They cite a scale of stressors created by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, which details the 40+ life events that are most liable to create feelings of grief, and in turn, cause illness and other health-related problems. The founders of Grief Recovery Methods switched the purpose of identifying stress to grief and added a few of their own.
Side note: I cannot say it enough, the so-called Seven Stages of Grief, were not created for grievers. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with those stages when describing what she witnessed with patients who were dying. Her work with death and dying inspired the worldwide creation of thanatology courses in colleges and universities. She was at the forefront of the knowledge that dying patients should be treated with honesty, dignity and caring not stuck in the room at the far end of the hallway with the least amount of interaction with hospital staff. She started her work in the ’60s. Sadly my brother Bobby died exactly five years ago in 2014 and I watched in horror when he was moved into the last room on the right in the oncology unit. Nothing had changed. Ironically there was a huge banner out in front of this hospital proclaiming it the #3 hospital in the Nation for patient care. I was quite angry when I saw it. What a joke. (Full story for another time.) Anyway, I hope this list gives you insight into your own feelings and emotions as well as those around you who might be grieving and don’t even know it. There is recovery from life’s powerful storms. But, you have to see it and seek help to navigate your way through it.  Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
 When you suffer a devastating loss either from death, divorce or abandonment it changes you. You may not even realize it. Our focus is loss from death. Suddenly you notice that you are not hanging out with the same people, and many of the people you have pulled away from were previously very good friends or relatives. You may be angry or grumpy more often than not. You may be weepy or tired or just plain sad. When the numbness of the loss starts to lighten up and you are paying more attention it can be that you realize your priorities have changed. Some folks whom you once thought you had so much in common with now seem juvenile in their behavior and not as interested in the world you now value more due to the shift in your priorities. The death of a loved one does that to you. You realize that partying, shopping excessively, drinking, or other things that occupied your time just seem trivial now. Loss changes you. It can be a wake-up call to be healthier and to take better care of yourself and others. It can make you see that you should spend your precious time doing more important activities such as putting yourself first…lose weight, stop bad habits, start working on your bucket list, enjoy life. That doesn’t mean you ignore your family or other obligations. It just means you get to set your priorities. Embrace the new you. Some folks want to get through their grief and go back to who he or she was before the death. That isn’t usually possible because you have evolved. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross loved to say, “Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the beauty of their carvings.” It is so true. You are shaped by the storm you endured. A new you has been created. It is okay to say goodbye to people who no longer share your values. Think of it as outgrowing them. I liken it to when you switched from elementary to middle and middle to high school you probably didn’t keep the same friends. You may have kept a small core group but not everyone because as you grew older yours and their interests changed. No apologies needed. Wish them well but don’t hang on to people who ignored you when you needed support or who are more interested in numero uno. Cherish those who were there for you during your dark days. For what it’s worth, I give you permission to put yourself first so that you can focus on healing. Be the canyon. Enjoy the new you.  Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
 One of my clients just told me how much she hates people. I am pretty sure that is exactly what she is feeling. I applauded her truth telling. She went on to explain that it makes her feel like striking out when well meaning friends and acquaintances tell her how happy they are that she is on Facebook or the fact that she has a new man in her life… her kitten. As if a kitten replaces her dead husband. I am floored by the comments people make at times. I encouraged her (as I do most grievers I have interacted with) to write down her feelings, write letters to her husband and all of people who have ticked her off by saying selfish, unfeeling, thoughtless, insensitive, or just down right stupid things. I am hoping she will start a blog for widows expressing her truth. We talk about how so many people fake it through life and for whatever reason are not authentic about expressing how they are really feeling. It can be especially obvious when people try to cheer you on because the person is so uncomfortable interacting with you as you grieve. They want you to feel better because it affects them. How does that help the griever? It really doesn’t. So, my belief is that when someone asks how you are doing? Tell them honestly. “I am feeling ___________.” or “My life rather sucks at the moment because I am grieving.” “There is no time limit on grief.” “Even though I am here at work or out having a drink/dinner/fun, or wherever does not mean I am not still grieving.” “I am smiling on the outside but shattered on the inside. Please be careful with me.” Please remember to put yourself first.  Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
 When your memories start to fade and get blurry you might feel as if you are betraying your loved one who died. I sometimes cannot remember if a cute story about my son was really his experience or his sister’s. Post menopausal brains aren’t the most reliable with our precious memories. Men, you are quite fortunate that don’t go through actual menopause. I have a fairly good memory most of the time but babyhood stories do get jumbled up. My advice to you, even if your child is healthy – write down cute stories and things you want to be able to tell his or her children some day. Cherish the feelings inspired by each story. When it comes to memories fading about a parent, grand parent, spouse, sibling or friend it can be as distressful. I write letters to the folks who died telling my favorite qualities each possessed and describing the most memorable times we shared. Then, I keep it on the cloud. You can refer back later. Don’t feel badly if your memory isn’t what it used to be. Honestly, I hope you don’t beat yourself up about it. It is normal as our brains age. But learn from my experience. If you have other ideas about how to keep your memories from fading, shoot me an email. Be well, Shirley  Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
 Want to ensure you have an organized and productive day tomorrow (and every day after that)? Here are six simple strategies you can implement to increase your daily productivity. It’s amazing what a big impact small change can have. Follow these tips to save time, money and stress and to get the most out of your day. 1. Get seven to nine hours of sleep each night. Everyone needs a different amount of sleep to feel rested, rejuvenated and ready to be productive, but studies show that for most people, between seven to nine is ideal. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Follow a familiar bedtime routine, limiting “before bed” activities to things that relax you and help you wind down. You will enjoy the benefits of more energy and of feeling well rested while you work. You will also be more productive and efficient. 2. Plan out your week. Finish your week by reviewing projects and tasks accomplished and looking ahead to the next week to see what the priorities will be. Make sure you have time allotted on your calendar to work on these priority projects and make strides towards your goals. Take time over the weekend to have a family meeting and discuss everyone’s plans for the week ahead (who will be home for dinner what nights, who has commitments or activities?) This will help you to plan meals, plan transportation and will ultimately save you time and money in the week ahead. 3. Do as much as possible the night before. Set the coffee pot on a timer so it is ready and brewed when you come down for breakfast. Pack up your gym bag the night before. Set dry cleaning or any other items you need to take for activities or errands the next day right by the door. Pick out the outfit and accessories you’ll wear so you can ensure what you want is clean and ready to go. By doing these things the night before, you will make your morning less hectic. 4. Prioritize your work day. Once you arrive at your office or as you start your day at home, immediately plan and prioritize your day. (Alternatively, this can also be done at the end of the day for the next so that you can come in and hit the ground running). Focus on high-priority activities first. Eliminate distractions (turn off email notifications, send your calls to voicemail, put a “do not disturb” sign on your door) for periods of time so that you can really dig in, uninterrupted and make great progress on those priority tasks and projects. 5. De-clutter. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to tidy your desk or space at home where you get things done so you have a clear space at which to work, free of distraction. Put supplies back where they belong, file loose papers, put books and binders back on shelves and take a few minutes to get organized. At home, enlist family members in a “Ten-Minute Tidy” to scurry around, room by room (you may need to do ten minutes in each heavily used room) to put things back where they belong. This makes it so much easier to find what you need, when you need it! 6. Schedule appointments with yourself. Block off time in your calendar to regularly de-clutter and organize. If you don’t schedule time to do this, it won’t happen. Take time to purge old papers you don’t need, supplies you no longer use and to weed out old files. Consider biting off a small area to organize in just 30 minutes. Make this a weekly habit and you’ll tackle all sorts of areas in your office and home. Likewise, block off and protect chunks of time on your calendar for high priority activities. If you know there’s something you want to get done in a given day, make an appointment with yourself and then honor that time (meaning when the appointment rolls around, work on that task or project). Seeing the appointment visibly can also make it easier to say “no” to something or someone else that might serve as a barrier to your productivity on the priority. Want more strategies, motivation and accountability to live your most organized and productive life, and to have more time for what matters most? Join Simply Placed’s It’s About Time – Virtual Productivity Program. Register today and then email marilyn@itssimplyplaced.com to request a free copy of Six Word Lessons to be More Productive, as our gift to you to thank you for joining the program. Here’s to your organized and productive life!  Debbie Rosemont, Certified Professional Organizer and Productivity Consultant, started Simply Placed, in 2003 to help clients increase productivity, maximize efficiency and bring balance and control into their work and lives. Simply Placed associates work with individuals and businesses to create effective organizational systems, clear clutter, successfully manage time, focus on priorities and achieve goals. They help people work smarter, not harder, to increase their bottom line and peace of mind through consulting, hands-on organizing, and group training. They can be contacted at 206-579-5743 or info@itssimplyplaced.com.
 When our children were applying to colleges, we tried to keep in mind that these were going to be their college years, not ours. we acted as consultants and cheerleaders, but we didn’t encourage one school over another. Instead we encouraged them to look at many options and to think about what they wanted to get out of the college experience. This included not only academic majors, class size, and teaching style, but also things like climate and lifestyle. Sometimes I had to bite my tongue. For instance, our oldest daughter was convinced she wanted to go to a Boston college. Knowing that she is definitely a warm-weather girl who liked the cold only when she was on skis, I just knew that if she went to Boston, she’d be calling in tears come January, wanting to come home and thaw out. Little things like climate, not just classes, can make a difference. I gently mentioned the Boston winter weather, but she was sure that’s where she wanted to apply. I was so relieved when she wasn’t accepted there! She wound up going to the University of San Diego, which was not only in a warmer clime, but much better suited to her in terms of both academics and lifestyle. Our son, a type-A achiever, wound up at my alma mater, but I never suggested he should go there because I had. Stanford was his first choice based on its academic rigor, entrepreneurial orientation, course offerings . . . and because he flat-out adored the campus and the lifestyle. The fact that his mother and grandmother went there wasn’t a factor. He applied at a few other schools, but his heart was set on Stanford and, fortunately, he was accepted. One of the things that makes me sad about the admissions scandal is that it’s caused many people to look askance at all private admissions counselors and that’s too bad. A legitimate, experienced counselor can be a valuable resource for some kids. Our youngest daughter had no clue where she wanted to go to college other than a big-city college. and there are thousands of good colleges out there and many in big cities, but not too many were on her parents’ radar. An admissions counselor was able to explore with her what she wanted her college experience to be, what her strengths and weaknesses were, where her interests lay and her learning style. The counselor was able to draw on her experience and knowledge of various schools to help our girl narrow her search to a half-dozen or so colleges. The cost was reasonable and it was money well spent. When it came to filling out the applications, we let our kids know that we were available to proofread, or make essay suggestions, but we weren’t doing the applications or essays for them. We also made it a point not to nag about deadlines—a few gentle reminders were all they got. We figured that they were young adults who needed to take responsibility for the process, especially since they were going to be on their own in college the following year with no one to remind them of reading assignments or term paper deadlines. Each of them owned the process, but in very different ways. Our oldest daughter, true to form, waited until the last minute to do her applications, dashing off her essays at the last minute. I’ll never forget her calling from the post office the next day because it was closed Saturday afternoon. She had to FedEx her applications which I’m sure didn’t make a great impression on admissions officers! Fortunately, she got into one school and, blessedly, it was the one I thought would be the best match for her. She thrived at the University of San Diego. But had she not been accepted, she would have had to live with the consequences, attending the local community college and re-applying the following year. Like I said, she had to own the process. Our son’s approach was so different that one had to question whether these two kids sprung from the same gene pool! The wall above his desk was posted with timelines and checklists for months, and he spent weeks polishing his essays, including asking us to proofread and make any editing suggestions. For the schools he applied to, all the applicants had top grades and scores, and loads of extra-curricular activities. I think John’s essay was what made him stand out; it really conveyed his values and personality and was extremely well-written and helped get him into all the schools to which he applied. We were lucky that all three of our kids got into schools that were “right” for them and did well in college. I think they did well because they had already learned the lessons of responsibility, initiative, hard work and follow-through. If you’ve read Six Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, you know we started teaching those lessons early. You’ve heard me say that we were “consultant” parents, never “helicopter” parents. We were ready with suggestions, encouragement and consolation when needed, but we let our kids take responsibility for their choices and actions when consequences were small. By the time they applied for college, they knew we were there for support but that the decisions were theirs. It’s a very gradual process, starting in toddlerhood with simple things like food and clothing choices, but if you allow them to learn from them, your high school senior will be well on the way to successful adulthood.  A graduate of Stanford University, Mary Waldmann and her husband Raymond raised three children who are now independent, well-adjusted and happy young adults. Before becoming a mother, she was a successful real estate broker, political consultant and public relations executive, and worked as a part-time communications consultant when her children were young. Mary is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Winning with Today's Media , Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, and Six-Word Lessons for Compelling Speeches.
 With the start of school, many of our kids will be participating in youth sports. And we’ve all been at games where a parent in the stand berates or verbally abuses the coach. Or they yell at the referee for a perceived bad call. Perhaps some of us have found ourselves yelling at the coach or a referee. Please, please do not be that parent! According to a 2017 survey of 1,700 coaches and referees of amateur athletics, sportsmanship at games is getting worse and parents are the biggest problem (reported in the Wall Street Journal, 2019). They also said that parental behavior is much worse in youth sports than at the high school or college level. Why do parents behave like that? We all want our children to do well. But sometimes we identify too much with our children. We perceive their successes and failures as reflecting on us, threatening our own identity and success. So we want to blame the problem on someone else: the referee for bad calls, the coach for bad coaching or unfairness to our child. But our children are not us; their successes and failures belong to them. Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t identify at all with our children. But we can get too wrapped up in outcomes: “I’m not happy if my son doesn’t play quarterback,” or, “I’m upset if my daughter isn’t a starter on the soccer team,” or, “I’m disappointed if my kid doesn’t score.” Instead of focusing on outcomes, we should simply enjoy the thrill of watching our children do something they enjoy. And what does it mean to your child if you’re yelling at or criticizing a coach or referee? First off, it frequently embarrasses your child. Secondly, it sends a message to kids that they can’t deal with their own problems, or successfully navigate situations on their own. And third, it sends a message to your child that bad behavior and rudeness are okay. None of these are messages we should want our kids to receive. So what can you do if you really think your child is being treated unfairly or not receiving enough coaching attention from the coach? First off, wait for an opportunity to talk to the coach privately. Call them or talk to them before or after a practice. Don’t do it immediately after the game. Give yourself a chance to calm down and be objective before you say anything. Present your concerns in a polite and positive way. And listen to what the coach has to say. You may not be seeing the whole picture. You can also ask your spouse or a fellow team parent to be your calm-down coach. Ask them to tell you if you’re getting out of hand and need to go to the concession stand or the parking lot to cool down. We should all focus on watching our kids have fun. Be there, encourage your child, but don’t embarrass them by acting badly. Our job as parent fans is to find a seat, sit down, cheer them on, but otherwise, shut up. Anything else will detract from giving your child a good experience. It’s enough that you’re there for them so just sit back and enjoy watching your kid play the game.  A graduate of Stanford University, Mary Waldmann and her husband Raymond raised three children who are now independent, well-adjusted and happy young adults. Before becoming a mother, she was a successful real estate broker, political consultant and public relations executive, and worked as a part-time communications consultant when her children were young. Mary is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Winning with Today's Media , Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, and Six-Word Lessons for Compelling Speeches.
 During August and September, many parents are seeing our kids off to college for the first time. You’re focusing on outfitting their dorm room, helping them pack, and making travel plans, but don’t forget to pause for one more very important task: anticipating and preparing for the emotional, social and academic challenges ahead. Even students with high grades, great scores and loads of extracurricular accomplishments may have trouble with the transition to college and they need your help to prepare. In the 2018 survey of 155,000 students on almost 200 campuses, the American College Health Association found that more than 85 percent of college students described “feeling overwhelmed” and half felt “things were hopeless.” And the figures are most likely highest among freshmen. What are the biggest challenges? 1. Fear of not being socially accepted or making new friends This is a major one. Being in a whole new social environment, many freshmen feel isolated, telling their parents, “I feel so lonely” or, “I hate my roommate and he hates me.” There is also the fear of rejection in fraternity or sorority recruitment activities. And when social life fails, so often does academic effort. 2. Fear of not making it academically. This can present an even greater challenge for students who excelled academically in high school but now find themselves in classes where all the students were academic stars in their high schools. I remember a freshman seminar on French revolutionary novels where I discovered that many of my peers came from prep schools and had already read the books—in French! I felt totally inadequate and remember calling my dad, saying, “I don’t belong here! I’m sure they thought they were accepting somebody else with my name.” He assured me that the admissions office hadn’t made a mistake and that I would do just fine, but I still had some real doubts my first few weeks. 3. Unrealistic expectations of themselves. Again, the academic stars of high school may assume they will always be at or near the top of the class. When expectations aren’t met, feelings of great disappointment, failure and self-blame can follow. The extreme is perfectionism, where a student can never measure up to his own standards. And parental pressure for success exacerbates problems. How to help The greatest danger from these challenges is that your student will keep feelings bottled up and not share them with anyone, particularly with a healthcare professional. The best preparation is to talk with your student about the challenges ahead and help them to plan how they will deal with them. If they are struggling, the first step is to acknowledge the difficulties and recognize that they may need help, whether from parents, dorm counselors, or campus health center professionals. But how can you know if your child is struggling and know when and how to offer encouragement or suggestions? College privacy rules make it difficult to find out how a student is doing, and dorm advisors and teachers are generally not allowed to call parents with concerns. Once they are eighteen, federal privacy laws prevent parents being contacted by or getting information from medical and mental health providers. However, students can grant permission for campus academic advisors and healthcare providers to communicate directly with parents so consider discussing this with your student. Colleges, faced with an epidemic of anxious or depressed students, are beginning to step up to the plate with increased counseling opportunities, mentoring, peer support groups and programs to teach healthy living. They are also trying to reduce the stigma of mental illness and making it a little easier for students to admit that they need help. The most important thing is to talk to your college student. Amid all the luggage and boxes, take time to sit down and help him or her anticipate and prepare for the social, emotional and academic challenges ahead. If your child has already left for college, introduce the subjects at the first opportunity. Provide ongoing open communication channels and emotional support. Don’t assume that they’re doing just fine—ask, but don’t probe. Remind them that even small failures are learning opportunities and can presage success. Set up regular phone or video calls. Student mailboxes are generally empty most of the time, so the occasional letter of encouragement—with or without a care package—can be the bright spot of your student’s day (enlist grandparents in this). With your love and encouragement, they can surmount all the challenges and make their college years happy and successful.  A graduate of Stanford University, Mary Waldmann and her husband Raymond raised three children who are now independent, well-adjusted and happy young adults. Before becoming a mother, she was a successful real estate broker, political consultant and public relations executive, and worked as a part-time communications consultant when her children were young. Mary is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Winning with Today's Media , Six-Word Lessons for Intentional Parenting, and Six-Word Lessons for Compelling Speeches.
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