Is there something wrong if we don’t feel sad when someone dies? What if we do not share the same religious or spiritual beliefs? What if the person who died isn’t your favorite, to begin with? There are many factors involved. We could probably all do with a lot less judgment in our lives, right? I met a teenaged boy (let’s call him Jake) whose stepfather died unexpectedly. His mother was devastated as was his half-sister because mom had lost her husband and the sister grieved her father. When we met, Jake was more upset with the way he was being judged and treated. Apparently, everyone around his family at the time kept trying to fix him. The well-meaning outsiders determined that since he wasn’t crying or openly upset by his stepfather’s death there was something wrong with him. As a result, these folks insisted that his mother do something about him. Jake was forced to attend a grief workshop I was facilitating. He came in with a surly attitude. He didn’t want to participate in any of the crafts or writing projects the others were gladly working on. I pulled him aside and asked what was on his mind. He spilled. I listened. I agreed with him. He spoke honestly about how his stepfather treated him as if he were a slave, or worse as if he was in the way. Jake had never felt close to this man. It made sense to me why he wasn’t crying. He was not going to miss the guy one bit. Jake felt sorry and sad for his mother and especially for his little sister. We talked about how he could support his mom and sister through their grief. I encouraged him to sit his mother down and be honest about how he felt about her husband. He realized that was the only way he would get people off his back. He was reluctant to do it for a while but felt trapped that she would be stressing out about him not behaving properly. I promised to speak with her. When Jake’s mom came to pick him up, she was anxious to find out how Jake had done. First I explained that kids but especially teens do not grieve right away. On average teens’ grief rears its head around 18 months after the death. That is always puzzling to parents and teachers because they don’t understand that the anger and acting out are tied to the death. Secondly, I asked for her assessment of her son’s relationship with her husband. Poor thing hadn’t a clue that her son really never felt connected to her husband. I told her that Jake wanted to speak with her when the time was good for her, but that she needed to back him up and not let others’ judgment push her into expecting more than Jake had to give. I suggested that she needed to concentrate on herself and her daughter, that Jake was fine. She thanked me. Several months afterward, I got a note in the mail from a grateful teenaged boy. I think of Jake often. I know he is fine. He just needed to be heard and allowed to be honest without judgment. If you know someone who isn’t acting the way you think they should after a death or other loss, please be supportive without judgment. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s grief journey is unique. Not everyone shares your religious beliefs. Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis.
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This isn’t the first post I have written about grief when a pet dies. Feather, fin, and fur babies are just as much family members as humans. When our pets die the grief is just as painful as the loss of any loved one. Some folks do not understand the intensity of loss and often act judgy. No one needs to deal with that while dealing with heartache. When someone doesn’t understand how you are feeling that leads me to believe those folks never shared their lives with a beloved dog, cat or other pet. When grieving the death of a pet it can be a solitary journey if you don’t get support from your friends and family. My puppy girl Maile died over a year ago and then within two months our little boy Koa followed her over the rainbow bridge. The grief has been overwhelming at times. We have a new little girl who has given us a diversion. She is the opposite personality of our angel fur babies. Neither of us remembered how much work puppies can be. Sometimes I think maybe we should have thought it through a little longer. She is cute and funny but not too cuddly yet. One good sign, I saw a Goldendoodle at Petco and I didn’t cry so maybe Cocopuff has helped. Sorry for rambling but my manager’s 14-year-old best friend Zoey died recently. Seeing and feeling his grief brought my grief over Maile and Koa back to the surface. Plus Zoey was one of my favorite four-legged friends. That is how grief works. Grief accumulates and each time you are hit with it, waves of pain can resurface. Totally normal but sucky just the same. Cherish your fur babies. When they die, because unfortunately, their lives are never long enough. You need to deal with the grief the same way you should deal with the loss of your human loved ones. Face it, feel it and move through it. If you have a hard time, get professional help. Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. Marty Rose and I grew up in the same neighborhood. He was in my older brothers’ age range. When I was a kid he would walk by on his way home from high school with an armload of books. He was always funny and cool and a real smart alec. It was sad to find out the other day that he had unexpectedly crossed over the rainbow bridge. As with other reports of death, it made me reflect on the past, my recollections of Marty and the rest of the Juneau St. neighborhood families. We lived in a mostly Catholic neighborhood so there were kids in just about every house We had so many kids running around that it was easy to field teams for softball, kickball, football, or just about anything. Life was carefree. I was profoundly sad that at my age more losses are occurring. Then, it hit me in the face that Marty wasn’t the first neighborhood kid to cross over the bridge. Some with one, two, six or 12 kids. One family has already buried at least three. My own brother Bobby died two and a half years ago. Hearing about Marty made me go right back to when Bobby left his body behind. I am sure others who knew and loved Marty were drawn back to previous losses too. It is only natural after all but it is sad just the same. Then, this morning I was sorting through books and getting my office organized and I found a slip of well-worn paper given to me by my friend Ann Wilson after her husband Ted died. It is one of the best descriptions of grief I have ever seen. It helped Ann tremendously so I want to share it here. “GRIEF IS A POWERFUL RIVER in flood. It cannot be argued or reasoned or wrestled down to an insignificant trickle. You must let it take you where it is going. When it pulls you under, all you can do is keep your eyes open for rocks and fallen trees, try not to panic, and stay face-up so you will know where the sky is. You will need that information later. Eventually, its waters calm and you will be on the shore far from where you began, raw and sore, but clean and as close to whole as you will ever be again.” This is on page 219 of ‘The Storm.’ Dear Cindy, Lynette, Barb, Beth, Nora, Sandi, Laurel and all of my other friends and loved ones who became widowed too young and for those mourning the death of a child, sibling, parent, friend, grandparent, auntie or uncle, I hope this helps you as much as it helped Ann. Just flow with it and grief won’t break you, eventually, the water will recede and calm down and the whole ordeal will make you stronger. Reminds me of he lyrics of a hymn, “I got peace like a river…in my soul.” Hang in there and hopefully, before you know it, you will get to that place of calm and peace. Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. I recently saw the Northern Lights while in Iceland. It was spectacular. Seeing them made me think of my son and others who have died and gone to Heaven. The dancing lights seemed full of joy. I imagined Cory seeing them from the other side. Right after I got back from my trip, my friends Mark Tillman and April Braykovich (who lost her son Ryan and whom I met while conducting grief workshops in Seattle) came to Maui to get married. 17 years later and April is still my shining example of good grieving. Mark and April left and now, I’m sitting here visiting with Laurel Miller, Sammy’s mom. Sammy was a bright beautiful radiant little human being who was flown down from Alaska for treatment in Seattle. We became friends and then, family. I used to do respite for Laurel so she could get out of the Ronald McDonald House and go to dinner or a movie and have a break from the rigors of taking care of a sick child 24/7. Sammy was a joyful little boy who could light up a room with his smile. He always had a great attitude. He thought I had the voice of an angel just like his…:) Laurel and I were just reminiscing about the stupid non-helpful things people said to us before, during and after our son’s died. Neither of us is sure why people feel the need to comment in the first place but it is stunning how really stupid and insensitive well-intentioned people can be. Laurel was actually made to feel guilty or worse by the judgment of others. She recently suffered through an eight-year deterioration of her husband’s health too. The words, “Well, at least he isn’t suffering” coming from a woman who hasn’t lost a child or her husband is just plain stupid. The meaning behind that is “You shouldn’t be grieving. You should be glad he is gone because it was bad for him.” How is that supposed to be helpful? Or compassionate? Or even okay for someone to say? How about, “You’re still young.” Meaning the person you are grieving is replaceable. NOT OKAY. “Ya know, he did it to himself by doing X, Y or Z.” Again, that helps no one. Think before you speak. Ask yourself, “Is this necessary? Kind? Helpful? or how about, “Do I really know what I am talking about?” Like my momma always said, “If you can’t say anything nice to someone, do not say anything at all.” Sound advice. Thanks, mom! Be well. Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. Living on the edge of despair is common for grievers. It doesn’t matter how your child dies whether from an accident, disease or murder you feel as if your heart is ripped out of your chest, stomped on a million times, torn to shreds, and what’s left is shoved back in. But, healing is possible if you can make some sense out of what you are experiencing. If you can make your child’s life count for something good afterward it can help tremendously. Many people decide to help others going through similar circumstances. How many victims’ advocates were victims themselves or closely related to a victim of a vicious crime? How many Child Life Specialists, nurses, social workers, and therapists had a child or loved one endure unspeakable suffering and die from a lingering disease? How many parents whose child was killed in an accident have started grief groups? Grief changes you. Sometimes it spurs you on to do great things. Some folks are irreparably broken. Most though just need time and support to get through to the other side of grief. What if your child is murdered and then you are re-victimized by the legal system? There are not enough places to go for help in that situation. The perpetrators often get all the protection provided by the system while the victim and his or her family members are treated as if they are just a means to an end and nothing more. It sure makes it harder to grieve when you are angry and made to feel helpless. Finding your voice and speaking out against such treatment is brave. My friend Kimberlyn Scott is courageous. She doesn’t think so, but I am here to tell you, she gets knocked down and gets right back up. She wants to change the laws in our state to give victims equal protection from the legal system. The one she thought was looking out for her family’s best interests and seeking justice for her murdered pregnant daughter. The very system and its representatives who refused to give her answers as to why they were not charging the alleged perpetrator for all of the crimes he committed against her beloved daughter and not yet born grandchild. Yes, Kimberlyn Scott wants to change things so others are not victimized the same way she has been. She is soft and strong at the same time. I know she will follow through and make good things happen. I support you Kimberlyn and I salute you too. It is disturbing to find out there are so many rights given to the perps and none to victims. Some states do a better job at this than ours, but at least 15 states do not have laws protecting victims. We need to get this changed. There are laws to protect prosecutors too, even if they deliberately do something terrible or are merely incompetent…What do you think about that? I personally think it will never get changed, but maybe we should look into ways of making the prosecutors who aren’t getting their jobs done, more responsible. Let’s get on board and stop victims from being brutalized by those who are should be their allies and advocates. We can and should help those living on the edge. Be well. Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. No one grieves the same way or at the same pace. Families reeling from a loss, especially death, struggle with the differences because they don’t understand why others aren’t portraying the same feelings or behaving as him or her. It always bears repeating. No one grieves the same. Our grief is as individual as snowflakes. We have different life experiences and beliefs that shape us. So, don’t judge how others are grieving or not. In the case of children and teens, they often delay their grief because they do not want to add to their parents’ heavy load. What happens when you are concerned about the way an adult child is handling grief either with substance abuse or some other addiction? Sadly you cannot force anyone to get therapy either individually or in a group setting. My suggestion is that you model healthy grieving by openly crying, talk about your feelings and keep communication open. Be honest with your struggles and fears and try to encourage your adult griever to think about and hopefully verbalize his or her feelings. Remind him or her that you are always there to talk and offer to help with finding someone to help if ever he or she feels the need to speak with someone outside the family. Grief is not a mental illness it is a natural consequence of loving someone who dies or leaves your life in other ways. Do not try to get your adult child to go to a religious based support group or therapist if he or she is not religious. It won’t work. You can describe grief as a learning experience. It is painful. That has to be acknowledged. Grief doesn’t have to be crippling though, If your adult child turns to substance abuse as a coping mechanism, you must address it as any addictive behavior should be. Do it with love but do not condone dangerous actions. Get help. Denial doesn’t work for anyone involved. Be well, Shirley Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. I am reminded of a young boy named Komake as I sit on my front deck watching the palm trees sway. He was born on Oahu so his folks gave him a Hawaiian name. We met in Washington but Komake was part of the aina (the land) of where he was born. Beautiful mountains, valleys and sea cliffs surrounded by the ocean. He was a sweet little boy with a brain tumor. I met him by chance one day when I was at Children’s Hospital. He had a swollen little face that looked as if the cause was some type of medication. And, he was in a wheelchair. He looked very much younger than his true age. I was there to see someone else but he caught my attention because he was alone in the hallway looking distressed. I stopped to see if I could help. He told me that his roommate had been mean to him. Because of his age, Komake was 10 years old at the time, he was on a floor that was not cancer specific. His roommate was 15 or 16 and was there for knee surgery. Completely different realms, right? Well, the self-absorbed teenager was playing his music very loudly and Komake asked if he could turn it down because it was hurting his head. The teenager started yelling and cursing at the poor little guy. It turns out that this little boy was very religious and was not accustomed to such language. Komake’s family lived about 65 miles away from Children’s and were not there at this time. He had two younger sisters at home with mom so she had to divide her time and attention. After hearing his story, I told Komake to wait and I would go ask the nurse if he could change rooms. I went to nurses’ station and waited and waited to no avail. I walked the length of the hallway and saw several rooms that had open beds. I went with Komake to gather what little he had and moved him. Once he was comfortable, I went back to the nurses’ station and waited some more. Finally, a nurse came and I told her that Komake was now in a different room and why. She was very understanding. I expected a big lecture but she was supportive. We became friends and even when it was time for Komake to go home I went to visit. The doctors’ said they could not help him any longer. He and I talked about that several times. He didn’t want to upset his mother with the truth of what was happening to his body, so I encouraged him to talk to me about his feelings, fears, etc. The week he died, he asked me to help his mom and sisters. I readily agreed and we were there for the funeral. A month or so later, I was able to let his mother know that he had protected her up until the end. We cried together and I told her that her grief was healthy. I mean, she rolled with it and didn’t try to ignore how she was feeling. She encouraged her daughters to do the same. After a time, Komake’s mom told me that she was going to apply for several state government jobs. She had been out of the workforce for a number of years. Luckily, we were the same size and I had changed professions and was no longer in need of suits and professional clothes. I am happy to say, Komake’s mom got the job. Fairly soon after, we moved to NC so my husband could attend graduate school. We lost contact. I was left to wonder. For years I have thought of that sweet little boy and hoped his family fared well after his death. Just a few days ago I received an email from his mom telling me that they are doing fabulously. Komake has a namesake nephew. It made my heart sing to learn that they not just survived but continue to thrive. Komake is their guiding light. There is such a thing as good grief. Be well, Shirley Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. I took my little grandson Keoni, to the park the other day. Pushing him on the swings reminded me of when we were kids and of course, it reminded me of taking my younger brother Bobby to the park when he was a toddler. I remember pushing him on the swings and teaching him to pump his legs. Then, I thought of the empty swings. Because of cancer and substandard care he won't be here to play with his eventual grandchildren at a park. I have heard people recently talking about grief and have seen articles about the various stages of grief. Some say five stages while others describe seven. Does defining it in terms of steps and stages really help anyone whose life has been shattered by the death of a loved one? I don't think so. Were these decided by people who had not actually been through it? It just feels as if certain people who are uncomfortable with grief---especially someone else's grief, want to intellectualize it, schedule the various emotion and put labels on them. By the time you are through the alleged stages you are supposed to be done. Then, everything can go back to normal for those who are uncomfortable with your grief. The problem is that there is no normal. You have to create a new normal without the person who is no longer in your physical world. By the way, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is the first person who came up with stages of grief, but she wasn't referring to grievers when she did. No, Elisabeth was working with the dying. Her stages were about dying patients. So, all you social work students who have not given Kubler-Ross her due (you know who you are) and those who decided to bastardize what her life's work was about, shame on you. Elisabeth worked to give dignity to the dying. She took a lot of crap for it. She got a little manic after her strokes but let's not forget how she revolutionized the way the sick and dying patients were treated---worldwide. Sorry, got side tracked. Back to my original rant, anyone who wants to get you back to "normal" to your pre-life crumbling devastation is doing it for him or herself, not you. Feel the pain. Flow with it. You can't stuff it or try to ignore it. Pain comes from the love you had for the person who is gone. If you didn't love him or her you wouldn't feel it. It's a good thing--it will lead to as much healing as you are capable. You will never forget that you have a hole in your heart. You will eventually get used to the hole and the pain. It doesn't go away. That, my friends, is your new normal. As my friend Martha used to say after a particularly rough grief workshop with half a smile and a shrug, "Grief. It is what it is." I keep seeing those empty swings. Makes me sad. But, then I remember Keoni's giggles. I am grateful. Be well, Shirley Shirley Enebrad is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with 25 years of experience. For her many years of work with pediatric cancer patients and those grieving the loss of a loved one, she received the Jefferson Award for Outstanding Public Service and the Angel of Hospice Award. She is the author of Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief and Six-Word Lessons for Surviving a Devastating Diagnosis. |
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